Arcata Eye

May I present the sublime prose of the Arcata Eye police blotter:

Saturday, May 29 7:10 p.m. Boys ages 14 and 16 aimed their bare asses at women, called people "nasty names" and committed unspecified effrontery to porta-potties in Redwood Park. The lads were admonished by police, with parental vengeance to follow.

Monday, May 31 2:30 a.m. Some guys thought it would be real funny to hide and then scare their friend on Blakeslee Avenue. They hadn’t anticipated the possibility that he’d get super-pissed at the sudden startlement and kick a door.

3:41 p.m. That’s the last time this person will ever leave his wallet and vest unattended on a restaurant table.

Wednesday, June 2 3:28 p.m. A boom-box moron blasted moron music at passing Plazagoers from an annoyance station at Ninth and F streets. But the moronic majesty of the music was lost on the largely non-moronic populace, some of whom complained.

5:25 p.m. If they weren’t morons, they were aspiring to severe sub-genius status by perching on the outdoor stairway landing of a 10th Street medical facility, sparking up a portable barbecue and then squirting lighter fluid into the flames just for the sheer delight of watching the pretty flames flare higher and higher.