Remembering Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (EKR) died this week. She was 78. Here is an excellent obit from her website.

Her 1969 book On Death and Dying heralded a hospice revolution in the west. The five stages of dying she outlined (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are now common knowledge.

In 1977, Dr. Kubler-Ross was a guest at our house. As an 12 year-old, I was only vaguely aware of her stature. She was an intriguing personality, if only because her Swiss accent was not one we Kansans heard often around the breakfast nook. I asked my parents what they remembered about her stay. (My dad wanted me to mention that he is a psychologist).

MOM: In the previous year when your father went to Council Grove to the annual conference that Dr. Elmer Green [of the Menninger Foundation faculty] started he asked me if I would like him to bring anyone special home from the meeting. He often brought home one of the other attendees for an overnight before they flew out of town. "If you could bring Elisabeth Kubler-Ross home with you for a visit that would be great!" I had just read her first book on death and dying. When he returned she wasn't with him, but he said she had agreed to visit us at a later date when she came to speak at The University of Kansas Medical Center. The following letter relates to the above planned visit. Your father was going to have her speak at The Psychic Studies Institute when she came.

October 20th, 1976

Dear Fowler,

Thank you for your lovely letter which just arrived today, before my departure for Germany where I am giving my first one-week, in-depth workshop in Europe. I am not sure whether we have time to squeeze-in an hour or so with your group during my visit in the spring. As soon as I know more of the details about the hours of my presentation, I will be able to tell you then how much time I would have available for you. Needless to say, I would love to stay at your home while in Kansas City, since many new things have developed since I have last seen you and I am just bursting to share them with you. Keep up your good work and your good spirits.

Love,

Elisabeth

MOM: She arrived in the early part of the evening. She carried with her some crackers and honey which she had been snacking on during her travels. She was a small woman, slight in stature. When she arrived in Kansas City she had been traveling for some time and was very weary. Your father had some cassette tape he wanted her to hear...so she lay down on our water bed with head phones to listen. When she didn't return to the family room I peaked in the room to see her fast asleep.

I covered her with an afghan and turned out the light. This was a highlight for me...to be able to offer a caring gesture to a woman who was devoting her life to caring about others. The next morning she went to KU to speak at grand rounds. The auditorium was packed. After that, she visited about 20 or more dying children. Much of her work was helping dying children deal with the transition that lay before them. She made no charge for her services that day.

FJ: When did you first meet EKR?

DAD: I had known her for several years before [her KU med center trip]. We first met when psychiatrist Stuart Twemlow, and Jonathan Cohen, a Yale psychologist, and I went to Bob Monroe's in Virginia. Jonathan had invited Elizabeth to Monroe's. I had not met her before that time. I don't recall the year. Probably around 1973-75.

FJ: Did you keep in touch with EKR after that trip? Did you ever see her again?

DAD: Yes, Twemlow and I went to Chicago to visit her. I am not sure how many times I saw her afterward. I picked her up at the airport once when she came here for the annual Spiritual Frontiers Fellowship Conference. That was sometime after [the first visit].

FJ: I couldn't begin to write a summation of this incredible woman's life and work but I'll try to describe my thoughts. From her initial work on death and dying to her continued work with babies born with AIDS, she was a saint, a true angel of mercy. And now, our best mortal ambassador to the other side has crossed over. What kind of reception did she get in the afterlife? This final anecdote from my dad foreshadows...

DAD: In the 1970s, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was attending the Menninger Foundation sponsored Council Grove Conference. She came into one of the presentations and sat down. Several rows behind her sat the Native American shaman, Mad Bear. In a few minutes Mad Bear turned to his friend the author Douglas Boyd and asked, "Who is that woman?" Doug said, "That's Elizabeth Kubler-Ross." Mad Bear said,"Oh." A few seconds passed and he turned to Boyd again and asked, "Who is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross?" Doug replied that she was a rather famous psychiatrist who worked in the field of "death and dying". Mad Bear said, "That explains it." It was Doug Boyd's turn and say, "What do you mean?" His shaman friend explained that as Elizabeth came in and sat down she was joined by several spirit-friends so Mad Bear knew she must be important to have so many spirit allies.